Losing My Religion
I will never
truly lose my religion - my God left an indelible mark on my brain. He exists
in my life as a memory of a person who knew everything about me. He was a
friend who I could trust with my deepest confessions. He would, at least, keep
them a secret. But, he most certainly disapproved of many of my actions. Like
many break-ups, it was a messy one. My Fall (so I call it) began almost 10
years ago, but I am still working through it all.
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Photo by me. |
Before the
Fall, I’m standing in a crowded place. Although 30,000 people surround me, I
could be alone. I’m lost - lost in the music, in the lights, in the lyrics:
“All my
delight is in you, Lord.
All of my
hope,
All of my
strength.
All my
delight is in you, Lord.
Forever
more.”
It’s the
truth. I’m bathing in it; tears streaming down my face, hands both raised. In
the words of my cousin, I’m “weird”. But I don’t care. I’ve never felt such
intense gratefulness, acceptance, longing, hopefulness. I probably never will
again.
I’ve read a
large proportion of the Bible. I admit, I found it hard to get through
Leviticus, and there’s still a bookmark sitting at 1 Kings 2. But, I read the
classics: Genesis through to 2 Samuel, Ester, Job, Psalms, Proverbs,
Ecclesiastes, Song of Songs, Isaiah, Jonah, and the entire new testament - some
parts more than once. Come to think of it, I must have read 1 and 2 Kings. I’ve
definitely read Song of Songs more than once (wink wink).
I was very
‘Christian’. I led bible studies for me and my school friends, mentored younger
students, discussed passages frequently with my parents, filled many journals.
I’ve even delved into the original Hebrew and Greek - just for those extra
chunks of meaning. I didn’t have a problem with the concept of eternity. I
imagined time stretching out as a finite line, God being outside of it, and
humanity filling some section of it. After which, some of us joined the
timeless abyss where God resides, and others joined the timeless abyss where
God does not reside. My lifestyle and way of thinking sustained me well. The
things I read rang true. Love your neighbour, love you enemy, turn the other
cheek. It worked. Until, of course, it all came tumbling down.
When my
world view toppled, I couldn’t quite grasp why. Without my knowing, it had been
chipped away little by little until a specific conversation with an atheist
friend at my university. Initially I tried to brush the feeling off, but alas,
I couldn’t regain the confidence I once had. I knew too much. I had been shown
the truth behind the curtain and I couldn’t make myself forget. My worldview
was shattered beyond repair.
My father
would have a problem with this description. He would say that a Godly worldview
is built on a rock-solid foundation. I don’t agree. I don’t agree with him much
anymore.
The day my
worldview lost its balance, I lost my best friends. My parents are wonderful.
Mum and I used to talk about God-things nearly every day. I wasn’t so close
with Dad, but I knew that he was proud of me and that he supported me in
everything that I did. My parents were my role-models, my mentors, the
authority on everything about life. In my eyes, they were integrous,
upstanding, honest, and faithful. I will always mourn the immovable wedge that
was driven between us.
Although I
now have some rational arguments against Christianity, I will fully acknowledge
that my journey away from God was mostly emotional. My change in worldview was,
in fact, powered by experiences in my life. These experiences left a sure
emotional impact on me, but I still struggle to put words to them. And, still,
I may be wrong about everything. Enter, this blog.
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